Rough few months

This wasn't my best semester of school, and I didn't want anything negative to taint this blog (been there, done that, got quite a bit of watchers but I don't want to be known as a bitchy little brat). Anyways it's finals and I'm almost done with the semester, I'm going into a recovery stage right now. I'll post some stuff I'm doing later on, and I'm going to give vlogging a try so for now bye.

Ten Years of Life After Death

Ten years ago Apolonia Gomez was offered to return home by God, she humbly accepted and left this earth. Ten years later I her grandson look up to her for her strong faith in God and her unique feminist ways. Sure she was a mother, but after hearing so many stories about her I can't help but classify her as a feminist, and I'm actually proud of it. So Today grandma I pray to God that you are enjoying heaven with the grandfather I never got to meet and the parents that you never met in your living life.

I know you are watching me from heaven, praying for me to continue on trying to bring comfort to those that are overlooked. One day I will make a difference in Brownsville, I will put an end to the 'I can't do it' attitude this small city has.

Goodnight grandmother, one day I will see you again in heaven.

"Faith-Called out of Darkness"

A short story I wrote, I suppose you could call it semi autobiographical.

Faith (Called out of Darkness)

When I was young I was told there was someone named God. I was told He loved me by my father and mother, and that was all that I needed to know in life. I grew up learning about God, knowing He was there, and that He loved me greatly.

When I was a little older I was told about Jesus, that He was God's Son, who also loved me, and was born from a pure woman named Mary. I learned the Our Father and Hail Mary. I prayed them every night with my dad before going to sleep.

On my first day of school I saw children crying and others terrified. I was not scared, I knew God was with me. I was considered weird.

As time moved on life began to be different, things started calling me. One day I saw something yellow, I liked it, I stepped away a little just to look at it. Life continued to happen, and people thought it was weird I liked that yellow thing. I started walking away from people.

One year, God called someone with all my heart to Him, she accepted God's invitation and died. Leaving her son, my father in pain, I saw the pain.

I started middleschool, things started to get dark, I ignored God and the yellow thing and started listening to voices I started hearing. Every day I was slowly consumed. A year later, I was trespassed against, and I was taught to sin. Darkness continued to engulf. Another year later, I didn't know if God was real.

I started highschool, I discovered I was something different from other people. I was told to go to church, I was told that I would go to hell for existing. I stepped farther away from God. I didn't tell anyone what I was, and a thought came to my mind.

'…you don't deserve to live…'

Was what the thought told me; in my sophomore year of highschool I went on confirmation retreat, I fell in love and felt happiness. A week later I wanted the world to end. I still didn't know if God was real. A few weeks later I rebounded to someone. He was kind and said to let out all of my problems. I kept them hidden. He was forced to move away, but I was given his AIM account. His name means young king, I had fallen in love with this king, and asked God if He really did exist to allow me to love this king.

The next year the voice grew louder, the desire to die grew stronger. I tried my best to continue living. I would see pictures saying God loves me, but I couldn't feel it. I saw a picture of Jesus one day, I spoke 'if You do exist, and if You do love me, do something to fix this, or I'm ready to end everything.' Later that night I thought 'If God is taking bets, I hope he wants to lose'. One day I was invited to visit the young king, I then told him about my desire to die, how I had been told I was evil, how I had been forced to do evil by someone else. He smiled and told me I was loved, and kissed me.

When I got home, it started to rain, I knew then that God was real. I was still in darkness, but willing to get out. One afternoon I heard a voice of a girl, a girl who screamed at the darkness. I was also given letters from a man named Lewis who taught me more about God. Together both Lewis and the girl who could scream were breaking away the pieces of darkness, giving me determination to escape. Before I could fully break free I was given a warning by the girl who screamed. She told me the story of a girl named Cassie, and said that if I were to continue down this path I had the risk of dying for loving God. I escaped, I told God I would never leave Him again without fear. I had said Yes to God, it was after than I could feel Him all around me.

I graduated from highschool, during the summer the king told me he loved me.

The following fall I started college, something scary happened and tried to keep me away from God. The girls voice and Lewis' words couldn't keep it away, I ran, I ran to God begging for forgiveness and protection, I was shown a place I could run to, to be safe from the evil that wanted me away from God. I could not feel God, but I trusted Him, and knew He was real. I then realized that this evil wanted the king, the lesser king to God that I loved. I then spoke softly, but with burning piety that I would not let that evil win.

It was hard to get through what was laid before me, but I prayed to God, asking for any help available, God showed me more voices of people who could keep darkness away, we collaborated, and I grew closer to God.

The following summer and fall I had grown victorious over darkness, I was able to let my story of wanting to die out to the world, but the victory did not last long. The young king that I loved so much betrayed me, I cried, instead of getting angry at God I grabbed a weapon, and I prayed. After I was done I grabbed a pen, and a cd of the first person I heard scream at darkness, and I let God take over. I allowed my emotions to come out in a positive way on paper, I screamed 'I'm done healing'.

Today the summer ends, life continues, the young king has been forgiven moments after the betrayal. I have sworn that I belong to the King of kings, Jesus. Recently I was told that things would not be easier, and that God's plan for me is far from being complete. I smiled and said the words of the girl who screams at God, her name is Lacy, she screams for God to take her hand, I scream the same words today.

Putting the "Christ" back in "Christian"

So one of my favorite authors (Anne Rice) has left Christianity for Christ's sake. I normally don't like to let anything that celebrities do affect me but this was a huge shocker. I found out on a day that had been very bad for me. I was understanding of her announcement of leaving Christianity, as a Christian I am aware most of us are more hateful towards others and willing to easily turn a blind eye to any form of injustice we see as we speak Jesus on our lips.

I've heard it said so many times on the radio "I'm so sick, infected with where I live, LET ME LIVE WITHOUT THIS EMPTY BLISS SELFISHNESS! I'm so sick! Hear it because I'm screaming it! you tremble at this sound!" but now I'm ready to do what I've been told so many times from the music I hear. I'm ready to do what God created me to do, to educate, to put an end to hatred and tell people the true greater good that must be done.

Need to cool down

I've done something bad, I feel horrible, and I will confess soon.

Here is the St. Faustina prayer.

"Help me oh Lord, that my eyes may be merciful so that I may never suspect or judge from appearances, but look for what is beautiful in my neighbors soul and come to their rescue."

"Help me oh Lord that my ears may be merciful so that I give to my neighbors needs and not be indifferent to their pains and mourning."

"Help me oh Lord that my tongue may be merciful so that I should never speak negatively of my neighbor, but have a word of comfort and forgiveness for all."

"Help me oh Lord that my hands be merciful and be filled with good deeds so that I may do good onto my neighbors and take upon myself the more difficult tasks."

"Help me oh Lord that my feet be merciful so that I may rush to assist my neighbor overcoming my own fatigue and weariness."

"Help me oh Lord that my heart may be merciful so that I myself may feel all the sufferings of my neighbors, I will refuse my heart to no one, I will be sincere to those I know will abuse my kindness, and i will lock myself up in the most merciful heart of Jesus, I will bear my own suffering in silence, may Your mercy oh Lord rest upon me.

Endings, Beginnings, Cleaning, and new Views on Life

Hello, before I get off I'd like to say that I have finished summer session one and my final grade for biology is a beautiful B. I will post my essay on my belief about the human race surviving later though. Right now my main goal is to simplify my life since i have so much stuff! Seriously I have a lot of clothes that I never wear, and someone else really needs them more than me so I will be giving away some of my clothes and organizing my room until Friday when I go to driving classes.

I have also decided to take up journaling again, not that having a blog isn't a bad thing, but there is nothing like having my thoughts completely and truly honest and uncensored (not that i swear often) on a sheet of paper.

That's all for now.

-Lucas

An important reminder

During the past few weeks I've been doing nothing but bitching, feeling sorry for myself, and not taking the time to understand the problems my loved ones face. I believe God works in many ways and tonight He reminded me of the reason why I need my degree, the real reason why. Next week is my last week of summer session 1 before I finish off my summer by going to driving school, I have decided to concentrate on my work still, but to also remember why God has allowed such things to happen in my life. I must finish an essay at the moment though, tonight I will let you all see an important video though.

View this movie at cultureunplugged.com

100 years

I was given an extra credit assignment, the topic is what will happen to mankind in one hundred years. The material presented to us as an example are fairly depressing, but believable. I will probably write about how we will be betrayed by the internet and technology etc. When I really do think about how the future will happen I feel that there will be a great trial that the human race will have to come into conflict with. I won't go too much into it until the essay is printed out and used.

Vampire, Soccer, and fan rant

Ok so here's a rant I have about people being fans of something. I have admitted many times that I am a fan of the Twilight Saga, I picked up the books since all of my friends were reading them and because i had finished the final Harry Potter book and I needed something big and thick to carry inside my backpack for school. I liked the books, they wern't the best form of literature, but they told a good story. Now what do vampires and soccer have in common? Fake fans.

Right now it's the Fifa world cup, and there are two fans out there, fans who enjoy soccer and watch the sport regulerly, and fans who never care for the sport, but the second Fifa comes around suddenly they've been playing the game since they were 3 years old and they're an expert! I've really had enough of this, I wish I could continue what i was originally going to write, but I just got a text from someone and I really don't appreciate what it said and the fact they won't reveal who they are.

Hard work

Always pays off, I studied all week this past week and ignored everything in life (except God of course and this man who said some upsetting things to me that I needed to hear), and my results were that I got a 92% correct on my test this past week. I am greatly satisfied with this grade and will continue this routine of studying.

There is still violence in Mexico at the moment, but my friend Yadira and her brother appear to be safe and away from harm. Juan is in the U.S. now so he is spared from the violence of that is occurring along the border. I have so much to thank God for, yet I am a very awful person. I continue to pray and try to become a better person, because I have to, if I want my ultimate prayer to come true. I am sorry that I can't go as into detail as I normally do but I wish to fully concentrate on school at the moment.

Forgiven

So I went to a conference over the weekend where I worked for once (I got a discount). Anyways it was a bit different from other conferences I've been to. I left relieved, but not in the same way other retreats and conferences have.

Yesterday I had a slap in the face that was much needed. Anyways my class has been going ok, I failed the first test and tomorrow is my second test for the class, I've very iffy about my abilities as a student for science. I don't feel fully confident, and I'm a bit worried.

Anyways I plan on continuing reading my books and writing after summer one ends. I feel so bleh sometimes. I am sorry I can't have a positive blog. I will say more after Saturday, btw anyone know anything about publishing?

Zlata's Diary

Yesterday I started reading a book called "Zlata's Diary" that I mentioned a while back. In it I read about the war that Zlata went through over 15 years ago. It made me think about how fortunate I am and how God has blessed me by allowing me to live in a safe area of the city. However I have three friends that live in Mexico where things are not safe at all. There are shootings on the other side of the border at the university I attend, my friends Yadira, her brother live in Moros and they have been forced to see things that good people should not see.

The drug dealers are wicked people and they cause the violence that happens on the border and all the death. Some friends of mine say all the violence can be stopped if they make the drugs legal here, I do not believe it though. It makes me think greatly, to observe, to research, and to write. I like to write stories and this has been bubbling in my head for a while, but I won't say much about it. It makes me look for books on these things and read them, so that I may use them in the future as a teacher to make the students in this city realize the evils that exist.

Sometimes I don't think I have such abilities though, sometimes I feel my ideals, the ideals my parents brought me up with, are things today's culture does not want to think about. I live in a time where people do not care for others and only care for themselves, where people want to do nothing but spend, spend, spend on just themselves! It makes me feel so sick!

Sometimes I feel there are no more good people in the world, but I know that there are some people who share my ideals, people who want to put an end to all of this. That is all for now.

-Lucas

FRAK!

So I'm a fan of the tv shows Battlestar Galactica and Caprica, and at the moment since I do have a scifi project I'm working on I have been watching episodes of the revised BSG tv show. And in an attempt to save money from buying dvd seasons I decided to try youtube for episodes, there were none but I did find this cute little short.

http://wewerecenturions.com/

No words can describe this except, FRAKING HILARIOUS! haha. Otherwise nothing major tonight, have a pleasant night world =).

Joy Will Come

So a few minutes ago my best friend since third grade left my house and will be heading back to Dallas tomorrow. I feel bit down since people I love are separated from me because of school. If I were to transfer to this college I'm interested in called Our Lady of the Lake I would be able to see my loved one more often, but I would miss my parents greatly. So in the end it is a no win situation for me. I wish to see the world, meet new people, and gain new experiences that can improve my writing abilities. But I chose to stay here because I know it would hurt my parents greatly to leave home. Tonight I feel sorrow for being separated from my loved ones, but I know God will comfort me. Tonight I give you a song by a band i really like called "Sorrow" by flyleaf.

How to Teach

So I've been thinking really hard on how to teach students and how to get them into what they're reading and how to get them motivated to work hard and try their best in life. I'm about halfway there to my degree, so I feel I must begin to mold my abilities and figure out what kind of teacher I am. In catechism I sort of have to stick to a schedule and use small group discussion to teach my students about God. With middle-schoolers I normally get shy kids (normally girls), or kids that act stupid on purpose because the feel they will fit in easier (something I'll never understand). With highschoolers it is a little easier, except my small group is a bit quiet, and normally to get them to speak (or to get some of them to stop acting like elementary students and start acting like the young adults they are) I have to give some info about myself without bringing the whole conversation to myself.

To try to solve this problem I examined myself during this past week and looked at my strengths and weaknesses. A really good strength is that I can give a good talk when necessary and I can now control my voice when talking. A weakness is that I can't fully control my emotions yet, etc, etc. Over this past week I realized something though, I like to read a lot. It finally snapped that this community of spoiled ungrateful kids that live in Brownsville TX are not aware of how much of a comfort zone they live in and about what is going on in the outside world. I have decided that I will have my students read books like Zlata's Diary (thank you Erin Gruell for recommending it), "The Freedom Writers Diaries" "A Child Called 'it' " and "Chinese Cinderella" to get them to realize that they are lucky to live here and that they can accomplish their goals. At the moment is is very early morning and I'm typing this down because I normally forget what I was thinking in the morning, but I really want to develop these ideals, any advice?

-lucas

Lord Make me an Instrument of Your Peace

So on DeveiantArt I posted a light hearted blog about the two new pokemon games (pokemon black and pokemon white), and how a friend of mine jokingly called it racist and then I recieved this comment.http://comments.deviantart.com/5/32168480/1491214925

It has given me time to examine my life and how fortunate I am. It as also reminded me that there are issues in this world and even in my own back yard that need to be resolved that are not being resolved. About a month ago I finished reading a book called "The Freedom Writers Diaries" about how one teacher changed the lives of her students just through the books she had them read and playing an active role in their lives and encouraging them that they can make a difference. As an education/english major I have the duty from God to live up to the same expectations and exceed them as well. It is through events like this that I remind myself as to why God created me, and what I must do to change this world and make others more Christ like.

In the Bible it says that the strongest faith and prayer life is useless without any form of action, that lying is a great sin that is worthy of hell, and it is something I want to scream to the leaders of the world right now. I look to the examples of Mother Teresa and St.Francis to remind myself of this teaching that Jesus has presented to us.

At my college I am part of a social justice group sponsored by CCM (their blogspot can be seen herehttp://justicecscutb.blogspot.com/2010/02/students-from-ut-brownsville-and-pan-am.html), and even though I am just a student I try to make sure that the current children have the oppertunity to continue changing the world. Tonight I end with the prayer called "Lord Make me an Instrument of Your Peace."

Lord make me an instrument of Your peace

Where there is hatred, let me sow Love

Where there is injury, let me sow forgiveness

Where there is doubt let me sow Faith

Where there is despair, let me sow hope

Where there is darkness, let me give Light

Where there is sadness, let me give Joy

O Lord Grant that I may not try to be comforted, but to comfort

Not to try to be understood, but to understand

Not to be loved, but to love

Because it is in giving that we REcieve

And it is in pardoning that we are pardoned

And it is in dying that we are Born to Eternal Life.

-Lucas

I won!

I bought some raffle tickets to try to win an itouch two weeks ago, I didn't win that. But I did win second place, an ipod nano. I know it is a bit odd for me to talk about things like this, but I am a bit happy I won. Not much happened to me today otherwise.

-Lucas

Nice night

I went to go see RobinHood with my best friend Karli tonight, and I enjoyed it fairly well. It gave me some things to think about when writing in the future. After seeing this movie I'm really dying to write an epic battle scene, however I have no talent for writing epic battle scenes u.u. It gave me a lot to think about when it comes to God and how He plans things out so enjoyably perfectly.

I had a nice discussion about the way God works with my friend shortly after we both decided to do our best to serve Him and bring change into the world to make it more suitable for Him.

I also am trying my best to piece a new project together and will attempt to make a comic with some close friends of mine, so wish me luck on this.

-Lucas

Free (for now)

Yesterday was my last two finals, I am happy with how I performed and grateful that the stress I have been going through for the past few weeks is now over. I have about a month off from school, so I will do nothing but relax and probably catch up on my reading list. Today though, I think I'll hang out with my best friend and either look at cars or go shopping. I wish to do nothing but relax my whole month off with no work at all =).

I still have a few friends who are taking finals so I will be praying for them and so that they will have good grades.

"We are Broken" (Mothers Day)

So for a while now my mother and I have been on crazy sides of each other, from numerous fights that would happen every day that would get worse and worse, to peaceful nights where we get along. It has been a long and complicated relationship between us. This is not a blog of depression though despite the fact I used a Paramore song as the title.

Something about myself is that I can find good meaning to most lyrics.

I am outside and I've been waiting for the sun

with my wide eyes

I've seen worlds that don'e belong

My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize

Tell me why we live like this

Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me

Because we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

and all the promise we adore

Give us life again, because we just want to be whole

Lock the door

Because I'd like to capture this Voice

It came to me tonight

so everyone would have a choice

and under red lights

I'll show myself it wasn't forged

we're a war we live like this

Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

tower over me

Because we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

and all the promise we adore

Give us life again, because we just want to be whole

Tower over me

Tower over me

and I'll take the Truth at any cost

Because we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

and all the promise we adore

Give us life again! because we just want to be whole

Normally these lyrics would be targeted to a bad relationship between a girlfriend and her boyfriend, but I feel it is between my mother and I. I feel that no matter what we do we cannot have the relationship we once had, but we have both been praying to God for help (which is why I capitalized the Your, and Voice since i feel whenever i hear the song that God is being referenced there.) This picture, I drew for her for mothers day, I had drawn it years ago under depression, and now it has been inked in and colored. I pray my mother will like this. For now good night.

-Lucas

Wonderful Day

I helped out with a transitional retreat I was asked to help out with, and it was a beautiful turn out. I did a talk about what the future holds, and what God as to do with it. Today was a day with an extra dose of God let's put it that way lol. I went to a appreciation dinner my church had for all the catechists and I was greatly touched tonight. In fact i feel tonight the world deserves to know a little more about me.

For one thing before I became what I am now I was a depressed individual who kind of didn't like to go out. It is something i have mentioned in talks, I'm still not fully 100% ok with talking about it without getting the urge to cry (I had brought it up, along with the fact I wanted to die more than anything else at the time during a talk and pretty much started crying). I know in my first blog post I said I was a church person but I just feel a very strong connection to God, it's a bit hard to explain. But i promised some more information about what I'm like, and my past. One of the things that helped me out of my depression and go back towards God was a band I really like called Flyleaf, my best friend introduced them to me. It is hard for me to collect my thoughts since it is so late at night, but for now here is a video =)

new effort.

Ok so I took my first final of the semester, and as I planned I kicked it in the face! At the moment I am watching Ugly Betty, my favorite tv show that was sadly cancelled. At the moment my family is going through some financial issues (my dad is getting me a car, plus insurance, plus sending me to drivers ed, plus building a fence to keep out the burgles trying to break into our house!). So at the moment I can't spend my cash on movies and music like I normally do. Clothes is tempting so I'll see what happens with that, I'm attempting to improve myself in how attractive I am at the moment.

So for those of you that watch me (a grand total of 1) here's a pic lol. I am sorry I had planned on making a more interesting blog today, but oh well. I hope you all have a wonderful evening, goodluck to those that are taking finals. Before I go I have a question, what would make this more interesting?

still alive!

OK so I've been out for a while, stressing over a report, and how to take care of the confirmation mass that happened last night. It was beautiful, and I am very happy for the former candidates who have made their confirmation. But now I must continue with my school life. I am stressed once again, tomorrow is the last class day, and following is finals...yay -_-. I have no problem taking care of my teaching classes and for my liturature classes, but my enemy Government it back u_u, so I will study as hard as I can. And after finals, I will enjoy my temporary break from school and rest, shop, pray and go San Juan and pray to God for thanks and for guidance.

That's all for right now, expect a better blog tonight.

-Lucas

Determination!

Ok might be too early for drama, but this is determination not to fail any of my classes! While talking to a good friend of mine and listening to The Prayer Cycle, I decided to put more effort into my work even though it's almost the end of the semester. I had almost forgotten that God wants me to get my degree so that I can bring good into the world. Even though my body aches and I have been getting frequent headaches I should remember that I can accomplish anything as long as I have God with me and work hard. I have made it this far, I must succeed! Even though at the moment I have no readers, I will work hard and accomplish my goal =).

This semester I had forgotten about why I did so well last semester, I had been able to give my near full devotion to God and tried my best to bring people to Him. This semester I had gotten distracted by someone who was not a kind person, and divided myself from my true friends in a time of extreme stress and had thrown a lot of work onto myself. So for tonight I have decided to paste this, a prayer for students.

God of Light and Truth,
thank you for giving me
a mind that can know
and a heart that can love.
Help me to keep learning every day of my life,
for all knowledge leads to You.
Let me be aware of your presence
in all things and at all times.
Encourage me when work is difficult
and when I am tempted to give up;
encourage me when my brain seems slow
and the way forward is difficult.
Grant me the grace to put my mind to use
exploring the world you have created,
confident that in you there a wisdom
that is real.
Amen.

-Blessings, Lucas

Privacy

So I had been looking for something to be a bit more privet, and I think I found it. After doing a little searching on my interests I discovered that the majority of my friends have no blogspot, and the majority of people on here into God are girls.

I know it seems odd to want to be private online, but this works for me for now.

Hello!

My name is Lucas, you don't need to know my last name. I took a break from blogging a few years ago after an accident involving a teacher who went from my worst enemy to one of my best friends! Of course this was when I was sixteen, spoiled, ungrateful, reckless, and didn't live for God.

Now I am twenty, matured (I think), in college, and trying my best to serve God (TRYING MY BEST!)

To give a little more info about myself I am Catholic, Mexican decent, and in college. My major is English for teachers (although really my dream is to write, teaching isn't too bad). I like to write, draw, listen to music, and cook. My favorite bands and singers are Alanis Morissette, Flyleaf, Evanescence, Nightwish, Within Temptation, Lady GaGa, Metalica, Paramore, Barlow Girl, Matt Maher, Brandon Heath, Meredith Andrews, and gosh there's just too many bands to list! I love to watch movies and read books. I will admit I am a Twilight saga fan lol, but my library consists of a very wide variety of books.

As stated above I am Catholic and I don't consider myself religious because I feel I don't deserve to call myself that. I do my best to do what God wants from me and follow my own dreams at the same time. Most of what I write about is religious fiction though, I have two books completed and waiting to be published (and a screenplay collecting dust =( ). I prefer to keep some portions of my life private (romance, some emotional issues, etc). If it's not on here then it's off limits let's put it that way lol. At the moment I am a student and finals are in two weeks so I am stressed out @_@! I will try to give more later.

-Blessings, Lucas